The Confidence Builder Series- What gets in the way of working your confidence

Hey DIY Ass-Kickers!

So now you have a different way of looking at your confidence, and you know what values you would stand up for. So lets take a look at what else can throw working our confidence under the bus.

There are tons of things that get in our way confidence-wise, lots of reasons why we don’t stand our ground confidently as much as we’d like.

Wanna know the two most common reasons? Spoiler alert. They both have to do with fear.

We stop short of doing things that challenge us or make us anxious or nervous because deep down we can be afraid of the outcome. We might be rejected, shamed, humiliated, full out fail, or look less-than. It’s easy to get caught up in the belief that standing down instead of standing up is safer. It’s not, and that’s just your inner mean girl nattering at you. Standing down means you will continually feel the fear that is holding you back from being who you want to be.

The other big fear that we experience when challenged to stand up for ourselves, is the fear of who we might be when we are behaving and living as a confident person does. Most of us have behaved the way we do for some time now and we’re afraid there might be a downside to change. What will other people think of us? That we’re selfish, or our ego has gotten away from us? Will they no longer love us because we are different, will they leave us?

All those things that we are fearful of could come true. That’s the chance we take when taking risks. But standing down because you might be rejected or you might fail means that nothing changes because you don’t try. You will fail sometimes, that’s what happens when we step out of our comfort zone or we are learning something new. But you won’t succeed if you don’t try. The simple action of trying gives you a heads up. 

And thinking about the reaction of your loved ones, are you prepared to base your actions on what other people might think on-going? Hiding from possibilities, potential or not, is still hiding. And you wouldn’t be here reading this if you were ok with hiding. If people love you honestly and freely, they will be proud of your accomplishments and want nothing less for you than to be in charge of your own life. If they don’t, maybe it’s time to bring people into your life who do.

So what about the fear then? What do we do with that?

First you recognize it, then you feel it. A good coach can help you with this if your unsure. 🙂 

Instead of numbing out to avoid feeling fear, look for it. Where in your body do you feel it? What are you afraid of? Get super clear about what you think might happen.

Then do something that may seem ass-backwards to you. Love it. Talk to it so you understand it completely, get clear about what it is and what it’s telling you. Treat it with respect and welcome it as something that is part of you. Let yourself feel the intensity of it, right to the hardest part. Stay with it, be as present to it as you can. Be with it with openness and love, because it’s ok to be there, and the feeling will ease up. Be patient and trust your body, you’ll know how long you need to be there. 

And when you take the risk involved in standing up with confidence, let go of any attachment about what the outcome needs to look like. Your learning and growth is about you working your confidence, not about how the standing up action turns out. That part is up to the Universe.

There is your challenge this week. Allow yourself to get up close and personal with your fear. You can do this. I promise.

P.S. Having something go positively (making that basket, looking like a pro at that presentation) is like icing on the cake. It’s yummy but unless you do the inner confidence work (yes, eat the cake), your confidence will always be based on your performance. And that’s a problem when you, as inevitably we all do, fail. Your confidence needs to be based on what’s inside you, not on expectations coming from your outside.

Work on yourself. Do the inner work, and that includes learning the skills connected to whatever area of your life you want to improve your confidence in. All that will help you be the best you can be.

Isn’t that what confidence is for?

Dianna-Sig copy