Hey diy Ass-kicker!

I have a good friend who had a nasty break up of her long-term marriage a while ago. She and I spent long hours talking about what had happened and why, looking beyond the pain of the moment to recognize the underlying issues for her, making some sense of the turmoil and conflict.

I remember her telling me that her ex kept asking “who does that?” While he was obviously trying to make her justify herself and lay blame for their conflict, what he really did was draw lines between them in the sand, and laid a shit storm of shame right at her feet. (News flash…blaming like that keeps us from looking at our own role in relationship conflict.)

What “that” is doesn’t really matter to this yak, and I realize that there are long term relationship complexities that are too big to get into here. I wanted to post about it because questions like that one are always raw for me, and much of why I coach women. A piece of my heart breaks off when I hear women take the blame for shit they don’t need to and carry that blame around with them for years to come, colouring how they see themselves. Always thinking that they are responsible for something that it truly takes two people to pull off.

So in honour of all the women I have worked with who get asked loaded questions that bring them down to their emotional knees, questioning their value AND their values, questions that are really intended to negate their reality in the relationship and minimize their experiences, I’ve made up a few responses to the question “who does that?

  • We do “that” because we are fucking human.
  • We do “that” when we are unhappy.
  • We do “that” when we are afraid to say we are unhappy because of the potential reaction.
  • We do “that” when we need comfort so badly that we accept it in forms we may never have thought we would.
  • We do “that” when we are desperate for a resolution to our hurt and pain.
  • We do “that” when we know if we don’t do something, nothing will ever change.
  • We do “that” when we crave far more life than what we are going to get from our relationship.
  • We do “that” when we know in our hearts that we deserve more.

The wounds that are left by being blamed, shamed, or even making choices that others don’t understand, can last a lifetime. A lifetime of stress, pain, and trauma. Toss some self-loathing in there too.

And we hurt ourselves when we allow it to live in us.

Get out from behind the blame. Acknowledge, accept, and with loving, supportive help go deeper to find the real answers to your conflict, including your role in it.

They are there, hiding behind blame.