What does conflict make you feel and do?
Does thinking about that question make you wanna borrow my boxing gloves? I’m good at sharing.
Think you’re going to need them? What’s your m.o. when conflict hits you?
Defensive?
“Me? I didn’t do anything to deserve that!”
Angry?
“Who do they think they are, challenging me?”
Looking for ways to get rid of the crappy feeling, usually taking aim right at the other person?
“What a bitch, I know lots of things that she’s done wrong.”
Any of those ring a bell? Feel free to change the wording around here girls because it doesn’t really matter what the conflict is, we all react pretty much the same.
We feel like shit with a knot as big as a house in our stomach. We feel attacked. And we want to blame the other person for what we’re feeling.
Time to call yourself on your bullshit honey. Sorry, but that’s what coaches do. Because you know that doesn’t work. You may feel a bit of relief as the names and accusations come pouring out of your mouth, but you still have that knot. And it’s going home with you.
You have choices in life about how you manage conflict.
You can choose to stay here and cuddle up with your stomach knot and a big bag of chips, or you can actively work your way through it.
First, be kind to yourself and affirm that even in the midst of this conflict, you love and accept yourself unconditionally.
Second, take a peek at what’s under that knot in your stomach.
What has the conflict triggered in you? You know it’s not really as simple as that the other person is a bitch.
In fact, take the other peep right out of the equation for the moment.
What are you really feeling about yourself?
Is it the need for other’s approval to feel ok or worthy? Is it a fear of being known as someone who doesn’t have their shit together? It is the same disrespected feeling that you felt so many times as a kid?
What is the part that is hiding? The part that you really don’t want others to know?
Once you figure out what you’re reacting to, know that you may need to let it go to deal effectively with the conflict.
You may not be ready to resolve the issue in your whole life just yet (know that it’s ok to ask for help when if you feel the need), but owning what gets in the way of conflict resolution is a big one.
Do you need to let go of needing other’s approval?
Do you need to let go of the fear of making a mistake?
Do you need to let go of the expectation that being open and vulnerable is a fearful place?
My advice? Tuck what you’re letting go of under the liner of your cat litter box for a bit. No cat? You’ll figure out where to put it.
And lastly, decide how you want to manage this so you can walk away feeling good about yourself.
Take the conflict for what it is. It is a difference of opinion between two people. Respect that the other person has the right to their opinion and that how you respond to it is your right.
Take 100% responsibility for mistakes that have happened in the past and for what you want in the future.
Do that with love for yourself and for others.
And do it with the intention of partying big-time when you leave that stomach knot in the back alley dumpster.
Comment at the bottom of the page about how you manage to get rid of your stomach knots!
Dianna Leeder is thewomenscoach@cravemorelife.com/.
