On not being an asshat in return…

I had an issue with this guy the other day. The circumstances don’t matter, suffice to say that he pissed me right off.
I don’t get triggered much these days, thankfully. I would describe myself for the most part as calm and in control of myself.
But this dude messed up my equilibrium by behaving like a total asshat. I felt like screaming at him. How dare he? Didn’t he see that he was taking advantage of my good nature?
And the more I went to those places, the less powerful I felt.
There was a time in my life when I couldn’t manage those kinds of situations. I would feel unheard or taken advantage of and I would either angrily lose it, cry with that super ugly cry face, and/or stuff those feelings down and pretend that I was ok.
But pretending that I was ok was total bullshit because I carried those feelings around with me and continued (to myself and others) to blame the other person I’d had the confrontation with.
I now know that while my feeling matter hugely, they are my feelings and actually have little to do with the confrontation or with the other person. And from there, I get to chose to manage them in ways that support me instead of getting caught up in someone else’s or my own useless drama. Key words…support me!
Here’s what I did. I reminded myself that conflict and drama is never about someone else, it is always about me.
So I went back to me. I did a self check-in with myself and asked what it was that was making me so angry. In this case it was that I felt like my good nature was being ignored.
Now I could have just used that information to further build an asshat case against this guy but instead, I took my own awareness even farther. I asked myself what was important to me about having my good nature acknowledged by someone else?
And my answer was…nothing. I don’t need anyone to acknowledge my contribution. Giving and being of service to others is a huge value of mine, I just need to acknowledge it myself.
I could also see that sometimes people aren’t gonna get it. Makes sense…it’s my value, not theirs. And none of the reasons why they don’t get it have anything to do with me. Maybe this guy was having a shitty day, or maybe he’s under some incredible pressure, or experiencing some trauma that clouds his ability to engage with others. Or maybe he is always an asshat, I don’t know. I would wager a guess however, that he felt shittier about himself after our conflict than before. That is a consequence of not being clear about your own stuff.
So, the next time you run into an asshat, and you will, take time to understand, acknowledge, and accept your part in it.
And leave the other guy to do the same.