Hearing women short change themselves can annoy me greatly.
I was on a Zoom gab with 3 of my sisters recently. When we went around and said how we were doing, one shared some shit that she had been through and made that horrible statement that drives me crazy…
“Oh well, there are others who have it worse than me.”
Hold the phone.
Stop the bus.
Put on ice and let that crap melt away.
Yep, it gets me in the gut to hear another women slide her experiences away from view under the guise of caring about others. Women do it all the time, and usually don’t recognize when they do and what the danger is of doing it.
Deferring to the fact that others have it worse that we do ignores our experiences. It replaces them, it deflates them, and it’s us saying that they don’t matter. To us and to anyone listening.
The thing is, they do matter. Everything that happens to you matters. Your experiences matter because they become part of what you use to increase your awareness about what you want to be feeling.
During our sister’s call we even mused that women don’t say things like that when they have had a happy experience. Sadly they do. When we are uncomfortable with attention or unsure of our value, we may in fact deflect even our positive experiences by saying things like “It was no big deal”.
We even got to talking about how we say “people have it worse than me” but never “people are happier than me”. Actually, we may say that to ourselves but women don’t usually say that one out loud and risk being vulnerable. When we don’t open up about our experiences, we also don’t open up to the emotion that comes with them. “I’m fine” crosses our lips instead.
Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemies. I have played this game in the past too, not wanting others to think that I was complaining or couldn’t handle whatever had come my way. Hiding our experiences behind those of others, may seem like a safe place but it really isn’t.
We can deflect all we want but our experiences make us who we are. We are made from our stories, and how we use them to create the awareness we need to shift into places where we feel better.
Who would you be without the learning of both negative and positive experiences? The job you lost that led you to a better one? The marriage that failed and taught what you needed in a relationship? The birth of your children or the love of your best friend?
It’s all you, and as soon as we stop deferring to others experiences over our own, the sooner we will benefit from them.
All of them.
Dianna xo
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