“Help is the sunny side of control.”
Boom. And boom again.
Being a helper is a defining character trait of women. So in some ways we’re stuck with it, which annoys the hell out of me. Just because of our gender, we are expected to bend, fix, clean up, and more.
Being a helper is something that women are called to do. Called from the inside that is. Helping, supporting, loving, caring, are all values that most women say are a part of them. And we all know that when we honour our values, we feel good, right?
Helping being the sunny side of control is a completely legit premise. And from where I sit, by helping we can be trying to control what we don’t want to pay attention to. The things you can’t be honest with yourself about, the relationships that aren’t going as well as you’d like, the loss or conflict that you’re going through.
Helping makes us so busy we don’t have the time or energy to pay attention to our negative shit and it goes out of our mind for awhile. We have successfully controlled our need to deal with the other parts of us that are just as important as helping is.
Its also not uncommon for women to use helping as a way of controlling others. We are human after all and are not beyond defaulting to places that make us feel better about ourselves, even if it’s in a back door kind of way. Even if we truly believe we can make others lives better.
All good reasons to not make helping your only goal in life. Helping is great but don’t leave out living like your dreams are coming true, making sure that you are happy and if you’re not, doing things that improve how you feel.
We don’t get a free ride of contentment in this life. Somewhere, we all know the things that aren’t working for us. Even acknowledging those things can be terrifying. But life does not get better if we ignore what we know in our own bodies, hearts and souls needs a tune-up, even if it’s to help someone you love.
Internal power comes from a synergy of allowing yourself to be whole, so take care of all of your life. Tweet that out!
Consider yourself a whole being, not just a helper. Know your values like you know your toothbrush. Consider everything that’s important to you, not just what you can do to help someone else.
Know that even if you are not ready to face your scary issues head on, it’s ok to just be there for now. You don’t have to fill the control void with helping or anything else. You can accept where you are today and make changes as you feel stronger.
Don’t buy into random inner mean girl thoughts about how needy those you help are. That’s the guilt card suggesting you are wrong by not devoting 23 hours a day in service of others. Those we help are not weak, they are experiencing a circumstance that they need to figure out. They are fully capable of knowing if and when they need help, and what that help should look like. So ask them, and do that.
The reality?
The sunny side of anything is knowing yourself well enough to care for each part of you in ways that make you stronger and more content.
Knowing that is the beginning of being an even better helper.
P.S. Anne Lamott’s Ted talk was called “12 truths I learned from life and writing”. It’s worth the watch!
P.P.S. Want to listen to some good tunes to keep you kicking your own ass? Check out my new playlist on Spotify. Perfect for getting through the rest of winter! Listen here!
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