Hey diy Ass-Kickers!


I took a little vaca from the blog the past couple of weeks to let myself be totally focused on other things in my life. 

Sometimes stuff creeps up on us that simply demands our attention, and it takes time to work their reality into our daily practices and routines. You know, those practices that keep us feeling like we’re don’t need to jump head first into a box of Oreos? Happy to be here in your inbox again!

The other day, I had a couple of guys complain to me about their wives. These are men that I know through other adventures in my life, and once they knew that I coach women, they decided that they could vent all their marital frustrations with me.

I totally get it when you're fed up and just need to let that shit out. Personally, I’m very choosey about who I vent to (as Brene Brown would say, “those that have earned the right to hear me") and if no one trustworthy is close enough at the time, I just dance it out in my kitchen.

But the work I do, and it’s integrity, is very important to me. And while men deserve to be heard too, my personal and professional focus lies with women. Women who have been far less empowered for a very long time. Women who have trouble with maintaining boundaries. Women who struggle saying no to others and yes to themselves. 

But, I am a kind soul, so I listened to these guys for a bit and acknowledged their frustration. But then they asked the question…

What can I do so she’s happy?

So I answered them.

Nothing. But you might ask her what she needs from you.

What do you mean? I do this for her and I do that for her. I even keep track of her menstrual cycle in my calendar so I know when to be more sensitive to her.

(Woah Nelly. After throwing up a little in my mouth, I told them how offensive it is to invalidate a woman’s feelings and opinions by connecting them to the fact that she bleeds once a month. Holy shit!)

Then I repeated my answer to their question.

Ask her what she needs from you. And honestly listen to what she tells you.

Because we women are independent soulful beings. We know what we want and need. Tweet this!

Sometimes we can’t express it when we’re afraid of the response, or are too angry about the relationship, or we struggle with standing up for ourselves in an honest, direct way.

But even when we’re hiding, we still know what we want and need, and relationships need to be a safe place to have open conversations about the needs of both parties. 

Do you need to be asked what you need from your partner, family member or bestie? Or maybe you need to do the asking?

This isn’t about having your partner say they need you to clean the house. (More throwing up happening.) This is about our connection in relationships and how to improve it. As independent beings who are in relationships because we want to be there, we all get to listen and decide how we choose to contribute to the betterment of them.

Either way, that old barn door opens wider when you start talking.